my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
