Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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