Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
