I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
