There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
