peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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