I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
