Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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