Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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