just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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