I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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