On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
