Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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