I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
