I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
