she looked like the before picture.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
