So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
