this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
