was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
