I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
