Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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