Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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