i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
