i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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