I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
