Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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