So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
