I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
