I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
