great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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