i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I need to align my fucking chakras
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
