Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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