I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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