the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
