did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Randomize
