We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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