Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
