I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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