He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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