Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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