I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
