I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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