remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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