chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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