you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
