Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
