and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
