Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
