I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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