i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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